Colt Onionation Report: Is Omar Really “West’s Best?”

Jack Bandy and Mia Zanzucchi

Photo courtesy of Kareem Omar

Satire (n): The art of sarcasm typically directed from events that take place in the world; much like a caricature of the human race. Usually it is done through comedy1. Example: This article.

If you’ve ever talked to Kareem Omar, you’re sure to have noticed one thing: he’s incredibly boring. No offense to the wannabe-cool kid, but nobody cares how your scary math equations work. That won’t get you into any prestigious social groups especially when you’re always studying. Some people consider him “special”, but the facts suggest otherwise. He’s going to University of Alabama-Huntsville — a school you only just now heard of — on a full ride. Alabama? Really?

Yet somehow, this insignificant nerd has just been named one of 141 United States Presidential Scholars, selected from about 3.4 million seniors preparing to graduate nationwide and even abroad. Surely this is some kind of cruel prank; the poor guy didn’t get a perfect 36 on the ACT until his fourth try. He cited former social studies teacher Mr. Stevens as his most influential teacher, but Stevens doesn’t even teach anymore. That’s right: Omar cited a non-teacher as his most influential teacher.

Omar in no way fits the definition of “normal.” He’s not even the “new normal.” Witnesses have seen him eat a sour straw that fell on a school table, while reasoning “that’s what immune systems are for.” If Omar represents the world’s future, the world is in for a cold, rational, terrifying ride. In today’s society we need cool people, not smart people.

Consider a few of Omar’s pseudo-accomplishments:
– Placed number one in the state for the math portion of academic team last year. Anyone could do that. This is Kentucky.
– Received the Siemens Award for Advanced Placement. Too bad over 98 other students in the nation received this “prestigious” award.
 Valedictorian of the class of 2013. Doesn’t it seem a little suspicious that the last year the school will name a valedictorian is the same year Omar is named valedictorian?
– Owns a somewhat cool-looking car. This could be the only redemption for Omar, but he erases all hope of becoming cool by continually explaining the complex mechanics and physics that make it work.

Omar plans to pursue almost half of a half-dozen majors out of desperation for some kind of meaningful career. He doesn’t realize that in today’s world, we only need to master one skill. Why does he insist on exerting unnecessary effort? This is America, and we follow American standards: choosing one major that will eventually change to philosophy or graphic arts2. Also, why would anyone want to score a 5 on 20 different AP tests? Mr. Omar clearly just hasn’t paid attention to the social norms. If this clown knew anything, he would’ve quit studying a long time ago and done something cool with his life. Instead, he’ll just end up being your employer’s employer.

1. definition of the word “satire” (

2. ranks philosophy and graphic arts as two of the “13 Most Useless Majors” (


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