Colt Onionation Report: A contemporary guide to selecting the perfect college

Mia Zanzucchi

Satire (n): The art of sarcasm typically directed from events that take place in the world; much like a caricature of the human race. Usually it is done through comedy. Example: This article.

Urban Dictionary defines college as “an expensive daycare.”

But for many high school seniors, juniors and even sophomores and freshmen, college will become their life. They’ll live in campus, make friends, suffer through required courses, thoroughly enjoy courses in their respective majors and one day join a network of successful alumni.

With that being said, choosing the right college for you can be overwhelming, stressful and irritating. Here are the four most important aspects of college life, shaped after endlessly researching and talking with some of the top universities in the country including Princeton, Yale, Columbia and Dartmouth, to remember when searching for the best college.

Name: I mean you could go to boring old University of Kentucky. Or you could go somewhere magical like Swarthmore or Bastyr or Villanova.
“What school do you go to?”
“I go to Walla Walla University.”
“I’m overwhelmed by your collegiate swagger. Let me offer you a job, buy you Mercedes and cook you a gourmet diner.”

Mascot: This is probably the most important criterion for your college search. If you really want to stand out and/or show your inner hipster, you’ll pick a college with a really weird mascot.
Delta State University fighting okras? Winner.
The UK wildcats? Boring.
The UC Santa Cruz banana slugs? Yes.
Georgetown College Tigers? Lame.
The Stanford University trees? Sign me up.
Asbury University Eagles? Overused.
Ohio Wesleyan Battling Bishops? I’ll be there.

A good, respectable mascot like the Stanford tree makes college way better; Photo:

A good, respectable mascot like the Stanford tree makes college way better; Photo:

School Colors: It’s crucial that your college’s colors be your favorite colors. My favorite color is purple. That’s why I’m not applying to UK. It would be financially inefficient to purchase everything I own in purple (which is everything) again in blue.

Sports Teams: I cannot stress how important it is that your future college has killer football and basketball teams. High ranked baseball, soccer and hockey if you go up north are also a plus. It’s really hard to have school pride if you go to Harvard and don’t have a good football team. You’d actually be a disappointment to your family.

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