Local Teacher Confused by Qualifications for Warm Body Count

David Madill

West Jessamine High has recently seen an influx in teacher confusion with the requirement of a “warm body count” at the start of class. This census, announced daily over the intercom, gives no explanation as to its specifications, confounding even students, who usually don’t care about anything spoken by a figure in authority.

One teacher, when asked about the warm body count, replied, “I’m never sure what ‘warm’ means with respect to the temperature of the bodies.” Another asked, “What if my room is unusually cold? When does a warm body become a cold one?”

When asked for his take, a biology teacher applied his expertise to the problem. “It doesn’t matter what the temperature of the air is; humans are warm blooded, and therefore maintain a constant body temperature.” However, he ran into some confusion as he considered other implications of such a count. “Does the warm body count apply only to humans, or do the organisms I have in my room count also?” He then realized that reptiles are cold blooded, which meant that the temperature of the room could indeed contribute to fluctuations in the warm body count throughout the day. However, when asked to verify whether or not there were actually any reptiles in his room, he gave no comment.

Another teacher altogether, who asked not to be named, glanced around before whispering in my ear, “I’m just glad they don’t ask for a cold body count…”

Although much class and planning time has been devoted to thought about the “warm body count,” that’s not all that seems to mess with teachers. As one teacher said, “I don’t care about what the intercom says. I just want to know how they get Dr. Wells’ voice in the ceiling.” Check back next month as we investigate alleged ghost sightings in the halls, and apparently ceilings, of West High.

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