Writers Unable to Find Satirical Content During Perfect Christmas Season

David Madill

In what seems to be a Christmas miracle, there is nothing hypocritical or idiotic going on in the world this Christmas, to the dismay of satirical writers everywhere. Those looking for ways to affect change in the world through sarcasm are coming up short in their efforts to mock something that just doesn’t make sense.

“I’m really at a loss this year,” one writer said. “Usually it’s easy to poke fun at politically correct ‘Christmas’ replacements, but this year everyone accepts the fact that the word Christmas really restricts peoples’ freedom. There’s no shock value in using it just like any other holiday name.” The same writer then went into a longwinded rant about how he once successfully satirized ‘X-mas’ by comparing the X-factor with the Taco Bell slogan. He was lost in nostalgia for several minutes, reminiscing on past Christmas’ sarcastic endeavors.

Another writer, this one wearing the huge bow that came on his brand new leased car, joined the conversation just in time to spread a little more joy. “Because of my lack of content, I lost my job for the magazine I worked for,” he said, smiling despite the meaning of his words. “Luckily, I was still able to upgrade my 2015 Chevy to the 2016 model because of a great Black Friday Month deal on a lease!” When asked what he meant by ‘”Black Friday Month,” he replied that some stores had been offering good deals on cars all November rather than only on one day. “Why not?” he said as he skipped out of the room.

Even Twitter is excited about how little conflict has come about from meaningless issues. One tweet, reading “Glad not to be forced to say the word ‘C#&!$*’ when I celebrate his birthday! #progress” got retweeted many more times than past sarcastic tweets about former issues that have since been cordially and efficiently resolved by a group known as X-ians. This group, which recently received religious organization status, believes that X died in order for them to be able to get free shipping on Amazon.

A third writer had no comment. His mouth was full of Christmas tree-shaped Reese’s Cups. When asked in between bites if he had anything to say on the subject, he hastily took a swig of Starbucks coffee from a red cup and ran from the room, crying.

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