That For Which I’m Thankful

David Madill

This Thanksgiving, I can’t wait to celebrate the first harvest my ancestors managed to coerce, with a tiny bit of help from the natives, out of the meager land they found.

This Thanksgiving, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for many of those same natives that gave their lives so that my ancestors could steal their land.

This Thanksgiving, I’m excited to commemorate the slaughter of the Pequot tribe, which was celebrating its own harvest festival before the pilgrims shot over 700 of them and burned their village.

This Thanksgiving, I’m proud of my country, whose primary celebration of such a noble holiday is to pardon a turkey. I’m proud because, even though we eat way more turkey than is necessarily healthy for us, we only throw away half as much as we eat. That’s only 35% of what we cook that gets thrown away!

This Thanksgiving, I eagerly anticipate watching my Detroit Lions lose by just as much as always. Ahh, tradition.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I get to start Black Friday shopping at 6pm on Thursday instead of having to wait until after that pesky meal with my family.

This Thanksgiving, I’m looking forward to that peaceful time when those who complain about Christmas decorations being sold a mere two months before Christmas either shut up or get trampled to death in the greatest celebration of consumerism known to mankind.

This Thanksgiving, as always, I plan to listen to Christmas music as I prepare my Thanksgiving dinner, just to get me in that holiday mood. (Dinner in a cooler, of course. Portable, so that I can take it to wait with me to the Walmart parking lot.) On that note, I’m also thankful for the tent I got for 65% off on black friday last year. I haven’t used it yet to camp outside, but I’m sure it will help me sleep through my layover in the Best Buy parking lot.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for the many opportunities I have to get more stuff for less money. The American dream!

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for so much. I sincerely hope you are too. Happy Thanksgiving!


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