Parents, Students Unite in Demands for Rain-Cancelled NTI Days

David Madill

Using logical arguments and assigning responsibility where it is obviously due, parents have begun a campaign to end school-related activities on rainy days. Citing what are commonly known as “cold days,” where a school day is cancelled or delayed because of low temperatures in mornings, when kids stand outside at bus stops, parents are complaining that rain is also perilous to their children’s health.

A well known doctor, whose Yelp reviews establish a longstanding, multigenerational tradition of excellence, agreed, saying that “exposure to rain has something to do with ‘catching a cold,’ as [his] grandmother always told [him].” Such was his confidence in his diagnosis that he tried to prescribe me three different types of antibiotics throughout the interview, obviously believing that I was there because of a slight breeze that had happened earlier that morning.

Parents are joining their hands with students in something they are both good at: complaining about education. “My son had to stand outside in the rain for three minutes while waiting for the bus,” one parent complained. “By the time he got to school, he was drenched because he opened the window on the bus to wave at me, like I always make him.”

Her son said, “I always open the window so that I can pretend to throw things at passing cars and make the bus driver mad.”

Parents like these, and many others, are furious that their precious children are being placed in potentially dangerous situations, such as anywhere without a controlled climate and fluorescent lighting. “They simply aren’t used to harsh environments where the only things alive are grass and trees and wildlife. There’s a reason it’s called wildlife. It’s wild! And my child isn’t wild at all. He shouldn’t be subjected to this, especially when there are such chemicals as aqueous dihydrogen monoxide falling from the sky. I should homeschool him!”

Another group of parents is investigating the frequency of such chemically diverse precipitation in relation to carbon emissions.

At the end of the day, the parent-student union called “Call of Duty,” after how they plan to utilize their NTI free time, is making great strides. Making inroads into both the bus garage, where drivers say they too would “prefer less school, especially if it isn’t made up at the end of the year,” and social media, where their page is liked by thousands of gamers, they are building a passionate and supportive coalition of school haters. They even got one senator, from New Mexico, to join their cause. “Even though it doesn’t rain in my state at all,” he said, “I still feel it is my duty as an American senator to weigh in on the subject of both rain and education.” When further questioned, he also boasted that he had no experience in education, claiming that it “made him perfect for educational reform.”

School authorities are carefully considering their options in the face of such an analytical and reasonable protest. What they are debating, however, isn’t even to do with rainy days. “Our school district likes to be out in front of progress when it comes to human rights issues. Is it a student’s right to remain at home when they don’t want to come? We’d rather avoid a Supreme Court case on that one,” a representative said. “In America, freedom is the key word, and school is the main thing standing in the way of true freedom for these poor, enslaved students.”
The homeschool co-op says it doesn’t expect any increase in registration.

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